Death is life’s inevitable reality, and it is thought to be hard to discuss. However, accepting that it is part of life will make it easier to deal with. No matter how the topic of death is perceived, a loss of a loved one can bring many emotional struggles of different levels.  It’s usual for one to feel sadness, and to show many emotional, physical, behavioral and social reactions after a loss. This period is called grief.

Grief is universal and differs from one to another. When it comes to children, adults usually aim to protect them by avoiding the topic of death. However, instead of avoiding a topic of such relevance to children, it’s healthier to discuss according to their grief and developmental stage. In order to know how to explain death to children and identify how we can help them through grief, its important to know the natural responses of grief along with developmental characteristics of children.

Different Types of Responses to Grief

The following responses may be seen in grieving children:

1. Physical Responses: Sleep problems, loss of appetite or overeating, psychosomatic symptoms such as headaches, stomachache.
2. Emotional Responses: Emotions such as anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, fear and regret.
3. Cognitive Responses: lack of focus, poor academic performance, difficulty in understanding things.
4. Behavioral Responses: sucking fingers, wetting themselves, difficulty to open up, hyperactivity or aggression
5. Social Responses: change in the way of communication to family members, to distance from social environment or contrarily, extreme attachment

These responses are a natural part of grief, and they may differ according to the child’s age, personality and how the child experienced the loss. After a loss children should be supported in these contexts.

How Children Perceive Death

The understanding of death in children differs according to age and developmental stage:

• Age 0- 2: They don’t understand death however they notice the absent of the caregiver. They notice a change in routine and may be distressed.
• Age 2-5: They don’t understand non-physical concepts well; they may think death is temporary. However, with the right explanations they may understand loss.
• Age 6-11: They understand the concept of time better and therefore understand that death isn’t irreversible.
• Age 12 and above: They can acknowledge that death is a reality for all living beings and is a natural part of life.

Explaining Death to Children

Death can be discussed with children, before experiencing loss of a loved one. This will make them understand death in a healthier way. For example, death could be explained using the differences in nature (the changing of seasons, the death of a flower or animal). If the developmental stage of the child is seen appropriate, the child can be taken to give condolences to someone grieving.

The following are things to pay attention to when giving news of the passing of a loved one to children:

1. The person to give the news should be an adult who the child trusts. Preferably a parent and if not, a close family member should give the news.
2. The child should feel safe. The person delivering the news should make the child feel emotionally supported with physical touch (hugging, holding hands).
3. Death shouldn’t be explained as an abstract concept. First, we should ask the child what they know about death. Any wrong ideas should be corrected and clear phrases such as “death means that one’s life is over. A dead person cannot breathe, move, think or feel.” should be used.
4. Unclear or confusing phrases should be avoided. Metaphors such as “… is resting”, “… went to heaven” “… is an angel” and “…is on a journey.” could result in confusion. Instead of them, clear explanations should be made. For example, “your grandpa has died, he no longer lives.”

Supporting Grieving Children

The most important thing for children who lose their loved ones is a safe space to express their feelings. It should be clearly explained to children that it is normal for them to be sad, to cry and to express their feelings.

We should create a feeling of security for them. The child should feel a sense of relief that even after the loss they will still receive care.  Phrases that ease like “I am always here for you.” can be used.

Their questions should be listened to and cared for. Their questions about death should be answered in a way that’s appropriate to their age, correct and clear. Any unanswered or wrongly answered questions may increase their anxiety. 

The decision to visit the grave should be left to the child. If the child wishes, going to the grave with an adult can help the child have a farewell. Praying according to the families’ beliefs and values or having a symbolic remembrance ceremony may help.

Parents should be a model by sharing their emotions. Including children in the grieving period will encourage the child to express their feelings. However, it is important that parents don’t give extreme reactions.

Routines should return as soon as possible. Daily routines like morning breakfast, play time, and school give children a sense of security and help them deal with loss.

With the right information and emotional support, children can understand death and grief in a healthy way. Instead of avoiding, talking and using clear phrases appropriate to the child’s age and development will allow them to experience grief in a healthier way.

References:

Türk Psikologlar Derneği & UNICEF. (2018). Çocuklarda Yas Anne Baba El Kitabı.
Er Sabuncuoğlu, M. (tarih yok). Konu Çocuk Olunca. Nobel Yayıncılık.
Yıldız, A. (2004). Çocuk, Ölüm ve Kayıp. Balıkesir Üniversitesi Sosyal Bilimler Enstitüsü Dergisi, 7(12), 125-144.